Waterworld, Not Just A Boring Kevin Costner Movie

I don’t like drinking water. I never have. When I was little I used to call a certain type of stomachache, the kind where liquids slosh around in a too-empty stomach “watery stomach.” I detested those stomachaches as much as their namesake. My issues are two-fold. First, water has no texture or taste except for those times it does and the taste is chemicals or chlorine. Secondly, there are millions of diets and most have zero overlap but they ALL insist the only way to true long-term weight loss is drinking water. Even on diets where I’ve eaten only cabbage or eaten nothing and just drank juice, water has still been one of the hardest parts of the regimen.

I wish I could say the new diet at my boot camp is different, that they are instead proponents of Yoo-Hoo or Sunny Delight or even something like root beer that I could really take or leave.

sunnyd

Hell, I’d settle for “purple stuff.”

But no. Of course it’s water. And not just a little. The nutritionist, a meal-prepper by trade, told me when I started that I needed to be drinking a lot of water. When I asked her how much she replied “a dramatic amount.” I laughed because I knew my idea of dramatic was far, far less than hers.

A few weeks ago in our gym’s Facebook forum I learned the standard for what everyone else considers dramatic—a gallon of water a day. A gallon. Don’t people in radio station contests DIE from drinking that much water? Albeit that was in like a few minutes time but still it has been rough. I bought a few one gallon jugs instead of the 16 oz. bottles I usually buy but then I had the problem of refilling them so I had to buy a water filtration system for my faucet. Now I can refill my jugs with ease and I just have one little problem.

I STILL HATE DRINKING WATER. But I am genuinely trying. Here are some of the things I do:

  1. Get fountain drink cups with just ice in them and drink four of them pretending that everything is as delicious and exciting as when the same cups are filled with soda.
  2. Put dried orange and lemon slices into my water. Pretend it improves my situation.
  3. Drink diet soda and pretend it counts because there’s water in soda.
dietsodaguy

What? What?

Here is the next thing I’m going to try: diving my water intake over the hours I’m awake which is usually 15 so that works out to 8.5 ounces per hour. So I can either eyeball the amount over an hour or on days when I’m really bored take a shot glass of water every ten minutes. By the time I’m done my days will revolve around little else kind of the way I imagine it must be for someone with a bad drug problem or for Angela on My So-Called Life when she divided her days into two parts: kissing Jordan and not kissing him. I will either be drinking water or not drinking water.

The point is guys, I’m trying. Any water I drink is more than I would be drinking otherwise and firmly qualifies by my standards as dramatic. Some days I even hit a gallon. I can’t say whether I feel better physically as a result or not because I am doing SO many things in conjunction like eating better, working out and taking vitamins and supplements. But I can say I’m feeling accomplished so there’s that. Bottoms up!

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Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootcamp Straps

When it comes to fitness, I’ve been around the block more times than Woody Allen looking for the unmarked door to that new daycare. I’ve tried every single piece of cardio equipment, including that treadmill/elliptical hybrid with the commercial where the woman happily exclaims that using it is “easier than running through sand.” I am unsure about a lot of things in life but I am sure I would not want that crazed hardass of a woman as my dentist or tattoo artist. I’ve tried spinning, water aerobics, body pump, zumba and circuit training. I’ve trained weight training and thigh masters and once, during the 90s, I even did Jazzercise.

But a couple of years ago when everyone and their mothers hopped on the crossfit/boot camp crazy, I thought “nah.” I thought “I already have a gym membership.” I thought “that looks really gd scary.” All these ropes and obstacles and people jumping on boxes. And almost everyone I knew that did boot camp had really good bodies so I thought surely it would be an exercise in embarrassment.

For nearly 14 years I have been a member of the same health club, a corporate juggernaut with clubs all across Central California and the Bay Area. When I lived in the East Bay for a few years though the location nearest me was a 20 minute drive each way and I went faithfully then sporadically then finally put my membership on hold. But as it sometimes goes with corporations my paperwork got messed up and I ended up paying for a membership I wasn’t using. I cut ties with the club even after moving back without a few miles of three different locations. This left me in need of a new place to work out but I felt kinda like a new divorcee on the prowl. A really naïve one, wary of the smooth talk and promises of $10 a month deals and lengthy contracts. So when a friend of mine posted on Facebook about her new boot camp, I was ready to really consider it.

This friend is a really low key, fun chick and was raving about how she was sore in a good way and what a cool experience it was and so I thought I’d give it a try. Five weeks later of near-perfect attendance (I missed this past Monday after the holiday weekend because I was out of town) I am a believer. In the three weeks between starting and my first measurements I lost 7 pounds, almost two percent body fat and almost 8 inches off my body including 1.7 inches off my arms.  That is just crazy to me- almost two inches and as every girl and every guy just recently granted the legal right to marry knows two inches makes a big difference!

While all of that is affirming and exciting, what I like best is all of the things I can do now that I couldn’t before- regular (as opposed to “girl”) pushups, wall sits for as long as the average commercial break (for those of you who don’t know commercials are these televised ads us old folk used to be forced to endure every fifteen minutes during our stories) and four different kinds of planks. In my real life it means I can do fun things like climb up an inflatable waterslide without using my hands, retrieve my keys when I drop them without uttering a few curse words and wear shorts without making everyone around me suddenly crave muffins.

There are some pretty fit people in my class but there are also senior citizens, people with knee and back injuries and one girl who is 200 pounds overweight and had never joined a gym before. There are some things she can’t do yet but she just does modified versions but that  list of things is shrinking along with her body.

While I don’t relish getting up at 5am, it’s nice to know that come 7 I’ll have gotten in a good workout and be just a little bit closer to my goals than I was the day before. Our trainer is pretty zen for a sadist and there’s a certain camaraderie among us participants, not unlike the Sudanese refugees highlighted in the new Reese Witherspoon movie. I kid. Those people were less sweaty after walking through the desert. No really, I’m kidding. They didn’t pay to be tortured.

My point isn’t that you should try a boot camp although maybe you should. My point is that even if you’re pretty sure you know all there is to know about fitness in theory there are still things that are new to you and maybe, just maybe those new things will change your life.

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Holllld On for One More Month

Can you hollllllld onnnn for one more month?

Can you hollllllld onnnn for one more month?

 

Did you know that it takes an average of two months to move, unpack all of your belongings into places you think make sense and immediately forget, start to feel settled and write a new blog post? Sounds about right to me anyway!

This time of year sucks for weight loss the same way Black History Month sucked for Michael Jackson every year as he cowered in his closet in shame, stroking Macaulay Culkin’s inner thigh.

Which led to Macaulay taking all of the drugs and losing Mila to Ashton. Thanks a lot, MJ

Which led to Macaulay taking all of the drugs and losing Mila to Ashton. Thanks a lot, MJ

It is a battle to just maintain status quo as coworkers and neighbors and loved ones foist their baked offerings on you. Cookies, cakes, brownies, candy- it’s all there. In fact the only treat you will never get is a piece of See’s Candy in a shared box that doesn’t suck. Those things are more rife with whammys than the last round of Press Your Luck.

As if the moving weren’t enough I just started a new job with a commute and working out after work seems more farfetched than one of the Teen Mom chicks enjoying a healthy relationship.

amgary

What I am exercising is moderation. Instead of fourteen glasses of egg nog, I have one three. Instead of declaring martial law on the buffet at the upscale brunch venue, I’m ordering off the menu instead. Y’all, I’m practically withering away through all my good choices.

My plan is to maintain long enough that someone invents a pill that will help me lose all of the weight I want or one that will poison me in my sleep but taste like a lemon jolly rancher going down. If you are managing to lose weight during this most jelly jolly of seasons, share your secrets. If not, hang in there.

If you’re looking for entertainment of a different, more general sort check out my new blog at http://www.theunentitlementproject.com

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Move B*^ch, Get Out the Way or Five Ways to Turn Moving Week Around

There are way more stressful things than moving of course. But most of those things are unplanned like if your spouse dies or you get sent to the pen or if you get canned for reading blogs all day at work. This week I am preparing for D-Day when I move all the thousands of unnecessary items I’ve accumulated from one place to another place 100 miles away.

Whenever I start getting too nervous or stressed about the change and the physical pain and dreading that feeling I haven’t had since my college days of waking up in a room with no idea where I am I refocus my energy on things that make me happy. Here is a partial list:

1. Fountain drinks. Y’all can keep your pumpkin coffees and I will keep my tall, icy diet pepsi. Bonus points for crushed ice, which is absurdly hard to find. Doesn’t everyone love it as much as I do? The only improvement on a fountain drink were the Lemonade Slurpees 7-11 had for a hot minute this summer. As soon as September hit, they slammed the door on those bad boys. Oh and they’re totally healthy you guys because real fruit juice.

lemonade

2. Dating Naked, which I just discovered and which is sooo entertaining. These people go out into the jungles of Panama, drop trou (an expression which I have heard many times but never tried to spell before now) and go through the awkward hell that is all first dates. These two were the best of all:

Joe and Wee Wee, proof that if you have a rad personality you can have the worst nickname ever and no one will care.

Joe and Wee Wee, proof that if you have a rad personality you can have the worst nickname ever and no one will care.

Side note: The theme “song” to this show is horrible. It goes “when I met you I saw everything- I know you now.” No. Just….no.

3. This book about two friends that switch lives. I don’t think anyone could get tired of the Freaky Friday plot or at least I have not yet.

Yourperfectlife

4. Thinking about all of the new and interesting ways a person could ensure Bella from Utopia meets her demise via face-eating acid.

bella

She could trip into a vat of it, she could have it fall onto her like slime on You Can’t Do That on Television, she could ram into a truck carting it like Biff in Back to the Future, who is the best character in those movies hands down.

biff]

5. Reading all the awesome, encouraging comments on this blog. It’s that feeling like when I was young and I’d get a letter in the mail and even the ones that were just some friend listing all the rad things they got for Christmas or all the vacations they took that summer while I was marinating in a plastic kiddie pool were a win. Because seeing that people read your blog in the stats and actually getting props from them are two different things. Thank you guys, even those of  you that never have and never will comment.

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How to Lose Tons of Weight Eating Pizza

There are two kinds of fitness articles that get me every time: the ones showing people half the size they used to be and ones that talk about how many calories you can burn doing everyday tasks. Did you know that if you weigh 150 lbs you can burn 36 calories kissing for 30 minutes? Or that you can burn 72 calories folding clothes for that same 30 minutes? Or that reading my blog burns hundreds of calories a minute and gives you instant street cred? At least two of those things are true and the other is at least half true.

When a good friend of mine recently told me about how she shredded nearly half a pound last weekend while throwing the must-attend birthday party of the year, I was all ears. You guys, this party? Was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle party for her 4 year old and she got to use words like “shell-elbrating” and the kids (and I’m guessing a few drunk adults) got to play Pin the Pizza on the Pepperoni. When I was young I loved me some Ninja Turtles, these chill, irreverent, tough reptiles who shunned the pellets most turtles ate in favor of delicious, cheesy pizza.

Okay check these out:

What's this? Oh, just the road to the coolest party EVER.

What’s this? Oh, just the road to the coolest party EVER.

None other than the birthday boy, looking fresh to death and ready to party.

None other than the birthday boy, looking fresh to death and ready to party.

Super cute costumes the kids got to make themselves.

Super cute costumes the kids got to make themselves.

The only thing better than pizza is cake. The only thing better than cake is 3-D cake where the Ninja Turtles are coming out of the damn cake.

The only thing better than pizza is cake. The only thing better than cake is 3-D cake where the Ninja Turtles are coming out of the damn cake.

Pin the Pepperoni on the Pizza, the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Pin the Pepperoni on the Pizza, the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

My friend reported back that she maaaay have gained back some of the calories burned by taste testing the pizza but what was she supposed to do-not try it and risk the kids potentially be poisoned? Not on her watch. If you have any ideas for burning calories, comment below or message me and if you just wanna steal these totally awesome, tubular ideas for your own party go for it. That’s what the Internet is for- reading about other people’s lives, pretending you thought of things first and watching videos of people falling.

Posted in are the teenage mutant ninja turtles real, can turtles really eat pizza, fun ways to burn calories, how many calories are in birthday cake, how many calories can you burn in a bouncy house, how many calories does kissing burn, how to become a party planner, teenage mutant ninja turtle party ideas | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

The Unquestionable Sex Appeal of Clint Howard

Last night I had the pleasure of watching the most awesome movie in the history of movies I’ve seen in at least a week. The premise of The Wraith without giving away too many spoilers is that there are these really weird bullies in a small town, who wear gaudy makeup and inexplicably drink and snort WD-40.

wraithwd40

Their deal is that they go around forcing people into rigged drag races with the stakes being the title of their cars. Their leader looks about 40 and is obsessed with a very young and adorably blond Sherilyn Fenn, who he has never so much as dated or banged. No matter- he is sure she will love him if he just tells her she will enough times. God knows I’ve tried that a bunch. It’s worked exactly none of the time. Clint Howard is the brains of the operation, which is so unfair because how come he never gets to be the hot leading man?

Behold, the panty dropper!

Behold, the panty dropper!

The actual hot leading man is none other than Charlie Sheen, who went from playing a teenager in this to playing grown-ass Bud Fox in Wall Street a year later. Oddly he was believable in both. I guess that’s why he can afford to dump buckets of money over his head.

thewraith

So anyway the gang soon finds themselves the target of a very futuristic car whose driver is out to cause mayhem for motives made very obvious very quickly. So elusive and talented is this driver that even the sheriff (played by a subdued Randy Quaid wasted in this role) cannot stop him from killing off gang members like a young Amber Edwards offed opponents in Street Fighter both 20 days and 20 years ago (there’s an 80s arcade near where I live that is freakin sweet). Eventually the movie tied everything up as best it could considering the writing of the script took less time than it takes me to eat a box of lemon heads. I was definitely left with more questions than answers but it was a fun watch so if you haven’t seen it maybe you should.

In actual workout/fitness news I wanted to share something pretty funny. If you aren’t a blogger then you don’t know that most sites allow you to see how random people found your blog through search engines based on your tags and keywords. So if I do my job right today for example, someday people will find this by searching for “can you drink WD 40?” or “how long does it take to eat a box of lemon heads?” Oddly, the post of mine most often found via search engine was one where I wrote about how I had done a bunch of sod installs for my man’s company Act of Sod (www.actofsod.com) and had lost so much water weight in a day that after I weighed myself I pretended to be that guy in Thinner only without the impending death. After a week I had legit lost like five pounds and had the satisfaction of knowing I improved the lives or at least yards of half a dozen people. So it does work. You should try it. In fact if you live in the area of Modesto, the Bay Area or Sacramento, CA and want to install sod for payment with lemon heads or buy cheap sod, you should visit Act of Sod. The real reward is not the resulting lawn but the weight loss, folks. Ask not what your sod can do for your curb appeal but what it can do for your butt.

Anyway, here’s to you fair reader however you found me. Maybe you’re a stranger in Brazil or maybe you’re my mom or maybe even my real dad who I know must be a king somewhere and looking for me but whoever you are, you’re here and I’m glad. See you next time, readers.

Posted in 80s, blog, fitness, Humor, lifestyle, movies | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

12 Years a Doppleganger or Why I Need to Find My Twin Immediately

In an era where even so-called reality tv is produced within an inch of its life, it’s hard to believe anything you see on tv or read online. But the thing is I LIKE believing. I like suspending my disbelief within an inch of its life. This is why last month when one of my cousins posted this link http://www.visualnews.com/2013/11/09/portraits-unrelated-doppelgangers-found-match/ to an article on people who had already found their dopplegangers (people who look just like them) I was simultaneously like “no way” and “that is really rad.”
I have yet to meet my doppleganger but I’d like to. What if my whole purpose for this blog became attracting enough readers that one would finally know my physical match and introduce us? What if my doppleganger and I became best friends and we could pull off all kinds of Parent Trap-esque switcharoos?

Here are the top three things I’d have my doppleganger do:
1. No matter how skinny they already are, get way skinnier and attend my high school reunion. Whenever anyone asks how they/I am answer “if I were any better I’d be twins!” and laugh too hard at my own joke. Then I’d spike the punch with ambien and draw dicks on everyone’s foreheads.

2. Once again my doppleganger is going to have to get in shape to my very unrealistic standards for myself (as long as I’m not doing the work) then we are gonna take bikini photos so shameless even Coco and Kris Jenner would blush. Just kidding, Kris has no capacity for actual emotion and Bruce done stole all her blusher. Then I’m going to create dating profiles on every major site and see how much everyone would want to date me if I looked like the hottest version of myself. Then I’m going to look in the mirror, cook five pounds of fondue and eat it naked, possibly while crying.

Bruce Jenner
3. Come to a Halloween party with me dressed as my counterpart. The angel to my devil, Brenda Walsh to my Kelly Taylor, or whichever Teen Mom girl happens to be pregnant with the weirdest hair to my Chelsea Houska in bright red lipstick. So yeah, dressed as my less attractive counterpart so that I can shine even more by comparison.

This is going to be great. I can’t wait to meet my sla—I mean doppleganger. When you find her, give me a shout. I will mail you an ambien (for her, not you. Okay two ambiens) and get there as soon as I can to start the training. But don’t worry. I won’t ever let her take over my blog. Unless she gets fed up and physically subdues me. In any event, the result should still be entertaining for you.

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