Remember when you were little and one of your parents would come home from a business trip or the store and say they had a treat for you? And you’d feel first really special about them thinking of you but then quickly turn shitty and just wonder about the quality of said treat? Okay well in this scenario I am your parent and you are my offspring and I got you a treat. A treat I thoughtfully selected from Amazon with little knowledge of the quality but the best of intentions, (which is saying a lot considering y’all forgot Mother’s Day and my birthday last year): a book called “The Little Book of Dirty Diet Tricks: 365 Ways to Lose Weight Or Look Like You Did Without Losing Your Mind Along the Way.”
I then read/skimmed this book for tips to help you guys/myself in our quest to have our clothes be looser than Christina Aguilera’s fat clothes/honey hole.
First I will give you the ten best tips and then a few of the most cringe-inducing.
1. Start an eating “advent” calendar. Choose a treat- a movie, a new pair of earrings, a facial- as a reward for sticking to your diet (be specific about what sticking to it means). At the end of every successful day, place a sticker on the calendar. When you’ve placed stickers on seven consecutive days, reap your reward.
Very cool. Also? Potentially very expensive. But also? Very cool. I might even try this sometime. If I do I will post it on here.
2. Buy a fat-women-in-bikinis calendar and tape it to your refrigerator door.
Okay, I can see this working. But I could also just make a fat-woman-in-bikini calendar and post it. I would feel kind of bad being motivated by how bad these women happen to look.
3. Buy an enormous, gorgeous salad bowl and a great set of tongs to go with it. It will encourage you to fill it to the brim with equally gorgeous veggies.
Guys, I did this and it worked. It wasn’t so much “gorgeous” as a grown up, proper wooden salad bowl from Crate and Barrel that worked for me.Side note: The bowls in this picture are not recommended as they are made from 100% pure, edible chocolate. Awesome.
4. Switch to a flavor or brand of food or ice cream you can resist. Adore strawberry ice cream? Buy pistachio.
This one made me laugh out loud. Because it should work. For the same reason I buy Halloween candy with nuts because I hate nuts. But seems to me I’d then just have pistachio ice cream sitting in my freezer for six years, surrounded by strawberry whenever I fell off the wagon.
5. The more comfortable your feet feel, the happier they’ll be to go on a nice, long, calorie-burning walk or run. Start off with a good, basic cross-training show and a good pair of insulating socks.
For me the shoe part is obvious but when I first started running I had no idea they made special socks for people like me who sweat a ton from their feet. The best ones I have found are made by Wright though Drymax are okay in a pinch.
6. Whether you’re eating at home or in a restaurant, have your salad dressing served on the side. You’ll cut way down on the amount of dressing you use.
Yes. Just…yes. If you aren’t already doing this, this is a great alternative to ranch-drenched salad.
7. Watch a skinny person eat and take note of his/her good habits. Then follow them.
I have done this. The results sucked in how humbling they were. Skinny people eat waaay less than the average person most meals and generally make way better choices. Soy, salmon, stir fry- oh my (effing god). Still, do this. It’s eye opening.
8. Don’t clean your plate. Always leave something left over.
Side note: try to leave more than a bite or your dining companions will be justified in their “no really, I couldn’t eat another bite” jokes.
9. Use salsa instead of ketchup. Way less sugar and calories.
This is just one of many possible substitutions that you can make. I still haven’t come around to the yogurt instead of mayo thing but make whatever changes you can.
10. Taste something for the first time. Try a new vegetable, fruit or cuisine. Sometimes hunger can be confused with the desire for a new taste.
I don’t know about the actual scientific truth of the last sentence but the more healthy foods you like, the less bored you’ll be and the better able you will be to deal with the seasons inherent to eating fresh produce.
1. Sip alcoholic beverages through a cocktail straw. The narrowness of the straw will slow you down. To slow even more, bend the straw at a right angle.
Ummm, isn’t it a universal truth that straws help you drink alcohol faster. Also, sure bending or breaking a straw so that it’s ruined would slow down the drinking except even at my most inebriated I’m able to find a way around that lil hurdle called drinking from all of the rest of the glass.
2. If your vacation plans include an amusement park, call ahead to find the concession stands at which you’ll me able to make the fewest concessions in terms of your diet.
Great! If you want to be on hold for HOURS. Plus whoever answers the phone will think you’re nuts. I guarantee they get a call this stupid pretty rarely.
3. Match your lingerie to your sheets. You’ll blend.
No. Just no. Do not do this. If you have any sense of humor at all, you will not be able to stop laughing. And your man is not retarded…hopefully. He will know what you are doing and tell everyone in your family and friends circle what a lunatic you are. likely in a playful way but still….
4. Use your fruit and vegetable drawer to hide temptations your family members insist on keeping in the house
Diets: you’re doing them wrong. Your fruit and vegetable drawer should be so full of fruits/vegetables that there’s no room for whammies. Plus if that’s some hiding spot from you, then you need more help than I thought.
5. Bench press a baby.
The idea being that weight is weight. But please don’t. Babies are not for benching. If you drop that baby, you will never be able to explain what happened without people being horrified. You will be a MONSTER.
Kinda sad when this guy is a better babysitting option than you: