This morning as I was on the treadmill trying to listen to my audio book, my mind started racing even as my legs refused to break the 6 mph pace I’m stuck at since I took a break from running a few months ago. As I was trying to pay attention to the woes of two childhood friends on an island turned cookbook authors, each with a less than titillating secret, my mind started making a list of things I would rather have been doing than running in a bid to finish my next 10k faster than your average old guy with a cane needing to get to the bathroom before he shits his last diaper.
Recreated from memory, here is the list:
1. Navigating the awesome maze in The Shining where little Danny frolics and (SPOILER ALERT) Jack Torrance meets his maker. If mazes on paper are fun and a little daring when done in pen, imagine the thrill of navigating a maze with such an alluring, menacing history.
2. Acting as head taste tester in the Sour Patch Kids factory, which I know from experience warrants hazard pay because after, say, 30 of these little guys your tongue will start to swell and if you don’t pay heed to the swelling, you’ll end up like the guy in this video, who ate 150 warheads in a sitting. Personally, I love any video that starts with the words, “Todaaaaayyy…I am being stupid…”
At the beginning I was all “NBD” but things slowly got worse. You guys, at the end the sores in his mouth are worse than the ones Charlie Sheen’s hooker housemates got the week after his meltdown. Also? Milk and Warheads. Worst match since Kate and Jon Gosselin. Or Kate Gosselin and a smile/grimace.
3. Interviewing Chuck Woolery about his time hosting Love Connection “hearing all the intimate details of a first date.” Personally I think all the women on that show should have had a fourth option- a date with Chuck. Also? How much did Pat Sajack love being confused with Chuck?
4. In a locked room with Farrah Abraham, a piece of splinter-covered oak, a tub of hydrofluoric acid, and a six pack of diet pepsi. Before your imagination goes crazy, the oak is for behavior modification therapy aimed at turning her from a robot with a butt sex fetish into a robot capable of simulating a mother figure for little Sophia and the diet pepsi is in case I get thirsty. The acid? Well, that’s for me as well. To dip my head in if she starts in on that horrible crying that produces no emotional response including tears.
5. Boogie boarding. Ah, the ocean breeze running through my salt-laden locks, the taste of seaweed in my mouth, catching that wave before the really big wave everyone else catches. Still, there are few simpler and cheaper pleasures for those of us without the balance required to surf.