In an era where even so-called reality tv is produced within an inch of its life, it’s hard to believe anything you see on tv or read online. But the thing is I LIKE believing. I like suspending my disbelief within an inch of its life. This is why last month when one of my cousins posted this link http://www.visualnews.com/2013/11/09/portraits-unrelated-doppelgangers-found-match/ to an article on people who had already found their dopplegangers (people who look just like them) I was simultaneously like “no way” and “that is really rad.”
I have yet to meet my doppleganger but I’d like to. What if my whole purpose for this blog became attracting enough readers that one would finally know my physical match and introduce us? What if my doppleganger and I became best friends and we could pull off all kinds of Parent Trap-esque switcharoos?
Here are the top three things I’d have my doppleganger do:
1. No matter how skinny they already are, get way skinnier and attend my high school reunion. Whenever anyone asks how they/I am answer “if I were any better I’d be twins!” and laugh too hard at my own joke. Then I’d spike the punch with ambien and draw dicks on everyone’s foreheads.
2. Once again my doppleganger is going to have to get in shape to my very unrealistic standards for myself (as long as I’m not doing the work) then we are gonna take bikini photos so shameless even Coco and Kris Jenner would blush. Just kidding, Kris has no capacity for actual emotion and Bruce done stole all her blusher. Then I’m going to create dating profiles on every major site and see how much everyone would want to date me if I looked like the hottest version of myself. Then I’m going to look in the mirror, cook five pounds of fondue and eat it naked, possibly while crying.
3. Come to a Halloween party with me dressed as my counterpart. The angel to my devil, Brenda Walsh to my Kelly Taylor, or whichever Teen Mom girl happens to be pregnant with the weirdest hair to my Chelsea Houska in bright red lipstick. So yeah, dressed as my less attractive counterpart so that I can shine even more by comparison.
This is going to be great. I can’t wait to meet my sla—I mean doppleganger. When you find her, give me a shout. I will mail you an ambien (for her, not you. Okay two ambiens) and get there as soon as I can to start the training. But don’t worry. I won’t ever let her take over my blog. Unless she gets fed up and physically subdues me. In any event, the result should still be entertaining for you.